Meet Prick the Prius Driver

Because we live in Los Angeles, a good deal of our time is spent in the car, on the road. Therefore, quite a few of our Stupid People sightings are found on the road (frightening to think about, really).

So I have to first and foremost describe my personal loathing of Toyota Camry drivers. It is my firm belief that, statistically speaking, one in every 3 accidents is caused by a Toyota Camry driver. I'm not exactly sure why this is - perhaps it's the fact that there are millions of them on the road at any one time or perhaps it's the plain personality type that is drawn to such a boring, standard vehicle. Whatever the reason, it is a hard fact (at least in my world) that 99.9% of Camry drivers b-low.

But in the last few years, I've come to loathe a second tier of Toyota drivers - Prius drivers. Perhaps it's their "holier-than-thow-bitches-I-drive-a-hybrid" attitude or perhaps, again, it's this freak Toyota syndrome. Regardless, I don't like them - and the car is ugly. This is rather unfortunate because I have a few friends that, unknowing to my feelings, drive a Prius. One drives it like a maniac (case in point) and the others I can not attest to their driving abilities (or lack there of). I still love them, but, thumbs down to their selection in personal mode of transportation.

ANYWHO back to the daily act of stupidity. (And for the record, today's act could also be lumped into a future spin-off blog, "Douchebags Behind the Wheel" or "Inconsiderate Mother Fuckers".) So, there I am cruising to work this morning thanking God above that it's finally Friday and I notice this guy weaving in and out of traffic - in a mint green Prius. After almost hitting four or five other cars and an innocent street sign that asked him politely to merge, he proceeded to throw a CAN out the window.

My friend Gwen and I have observed similar acts like this before by Prius drivers - my favorite being the smoking Prius drivers who flick their completed ciggy out the windows. However, this smartguy threw a CAN out the window. REAL ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY YO.

It took me a moment or ten to really understand what I just witnessed with my Lasik-perfected eyeballs and when I did, I threw the Volvo into overdrive, sped up next to Sir Douche-A-Lot, pumped my first and, in light of Nicki Hilton's recent success using this tactic, screamed "CITIZEN'S ARREST!!!" (Confused? Check this out.)

Stupid Wannabe-Granola squinted his little eyes at me and then figured out he missed his exit due to my distraction. Sucka! Suck on those fumes.

To add a cherry to the top, he then made an illegal U-turn to go back to his exit....right in front of a motorcycle cop.

The moral of today's story: don't let Mother Earth be at the receiving end of your stupidity - and don't litter in front of a Volvo driver. Karma is sweet.

Can this also include Stupid Sh*t Crackheads Do?

Well a few years ago I owned a 1980 Volvo named Barney. Barney the Volvo was this amazing tan Volvo with round headlights (my requirement upon buying said Volvo) that I bought for $900 in May of 2005. I needed a car and had a nostalgic love for old Volvos with round headlights. Never mind that when the guy (from Craigslist) showed up with the car at my place of employment at the time, with the opening line, "Oh I lost the key a while ago so it starts with a screwdriver." No joke. My coworker David, upon requesting to look under the hood exclaimed, "Oh DAMN- that is old SKIGGITY SCHOOL!!!". Needless to say, I purchased on site.

Fast forward a year and a half later. It is Thanksgiving Day 2006. I park Barney the Volvo at my friends house in Venice Beach. With both hands full of groceries as I turn to the side and kick the door shut with my left foot and say to myself - note to self - REMEMBER to come back downstairs and lock the door.

Fast forward once again to midnight Thanksgiving night. Car gone. Nowhere to be found. Police report? Reported. Imagine trying to explain to the police... nope I left the door open. The key? Oh there was none. Started with a screwdriver.

Two weeks later - Hollywood Police call to tell me they found my licence plate on a 1994 Volvo. My car is probably sold for parts in Mexico.

Fast forward one month. End of December. Driving in a borrowed Jeep. Stopped at a stoplight on Venice and Pacific one block from my house. Barney the Volvo drives by me in the right lane and takes a right down Pacific. I have the moment of... am I GODDAMN CRAZY??? I decide to follow the car because it has a broken taillight just like Barney.

I try the police department and it is Sunday. No answer. I have a couple minutes of reflection before I make the decision to actually dial 911. They will probably think I am nuts (I cannot argue) and I give the license plate number and they say it is a valid license plate number!!!

Then I say... my car was stolen and my license plate was switched with a 1994 Volvo. The car I am following is a 1980 tan Volvo. Dot. Dot. Dot.

they said "WHERE ARE YOU? That plate is coming back as stolen!!!"

I said "I am on PACIFIC heading SOUTH through the MARINA!!!!!!" and I hear a helicopter above me, and a cop four wheeler comes flying off the beach and three SUV cop cars come cruising the wrong way down speedway and surround the car and pull this crackhead out of my car a gunpoint. Right in front of me. ACK!!!

After all the hullabaloo, the cops give me my car back, with no plates, helped me kind of clean it out. Things that were in my car when I got it back that were not there before:

3 crackpipes
40 stolen credit cards
screw and bolts galore
about 10 floor mats from different cars
an army surplus backpack
empty peanut bags
all my heater and air conditioner controls switched with the radio controls

so... the point of this story is... and how it relates to The Stupid SH*T People Do is... if you are going to STEAL A CAR... TAKE A LOOK IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT AT THE REGISTRATION AND STAY AT LEAST A COUPLE BLOCKS AWAY FROM THE ADDRESS OF THE OWNER OF THE CAR YOU STUPID JACKASS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heehee!

Flip-Flop Idiot

2/25/09: 8:05pm PST: I'm driving home from yoga class feeling the zen that my practice brought to me and rocking out to some old school "Tupac" (yes, white girls love Tupac too) when I noticed the guy in the Nissan Sentra circa 1987 in front of me. Smoking a ciggy and jamming to some Fall Out Boy (I'm presuming this based on his douche appearance), our friend has one foot on his gas pedal and one foot dangling out his window. Only cool people do that, in case you didn't know. Yah, dude - cool - share your foul foot odor with the rest of the free world, thanks. Well, as friend is driving, smoking and listening to men wearing makeup, all of a sudden, his exposed foot clad in a menky flip flop catches a freak wind gust and off flies his flop. Slamming on his brakes (I suppose with his driving foot), the moron almost slams into the women in the lane to the right of him. I guess he was so scared he'd never find his dollar store flip flop he needed to hit the skids and go back for it. Luckily, he didn't. He pulled his nude spaghetti, freakishly flexible leg back in his heap of shit and continued on his way.

I just sat there in the car behind him and all I could think is, "Waste - of - oxygen."

Godspeed solo flip flop guy - Godspeed.

Introduction

I have no doubt that every person is God's child, however, it is a fact that with modern miracles in science and medicine, the mental gene pool has gotten way too thick (and by "thick" I mean lots of dumb ass people). We've all seen the Darwin Awards and although absolutely mind-boggling and incredibly funny, these are only the stunts that fall on the fall end of the spectrum. But, daily, we, the non-idiots, are surrounded and subjected by dozens of idiot feats of stupidity that make us go, "People do some stupid sh*t." My friends, survival of the fittest has become, to say the least, skewed.

Please note: This isn't a political blog. This isn't a religious blog. And this definitely is not a politically correct blog. So all you crazy freaks who want to scream at me for stating the obvious can save your breath and go bother someone else.

I am here as an observer. I am person who, although not blessed with the ability to calculate plasma physics equations (I can barely understand an episode of that NUMBERS show), was granted a fair amount of common sense. Therefore, it is my duty to share with others my observations of those who run a tad shy in the smarts department.

So that's the general, conceptual basis of this site. To humor myself and others with the plain old stupidity of the people the miracles of science have saved from sparing the gene pool. I will also be entertaining guest bloggers to share their own observations - however, you have to pass the "I'm Not a Dumb Ass" test prior to being given access. However, comment all you like no matter how stupid you are.

Since we can't smack them, shoot them or put them out to pasture, we have to laugh at them (after we give them the finger, that is).

And now, with no further adieu, let the good times (and the short buses) roll......

Final note and warning: Profanity WILL be used. So shove it if you don't like it, prude.